Grief x 365

What is it about the human condition that causes us to focus on the anniversary of the death of a loved one? I understand that we feel the need to mark significant happenings in our lives. Birthdays, for example, are joyous occasions that denote milestones and maturity. We celebrate the lives we live and watch with hope for whatever the next year brings.

But death is another story. I don’t want to mark it. I don’t have to mark it. It became a part of me each time I lost someone I loved. It isn’t even something I have to be consciously aware of. It hits me at the cellular level. There are days when something just feels off; sadness overshadows everything, and it isn’t until a memory comes up on Facebook, or I see a picture on my phone, that it clicks.

I accept and respect how each person handles their grief, so this isn’t a statement in judgement of how other people need to heal. I hope that I support and encourage those that face the challenge of their lives being transformed by loss. That is my heart.

As for me, I really don’t wallow in grief. Life does go on, and I embrace that. Most days, I live a happy and productive life.
Despite that, I dread September 2nd every year. I will now be dreading November 12th and December 3rd. The Fall season, which has always been my favorite, is shrouded in memories of painful experiences. When the trees began to change and the temperature dropped slightly (it is Texas, after all), an unease began to fester. I recognize it and will do what I can to work with it, but I don’t want to stop and relive the trauma that accompanied the ending of precious, earthly lives. If I could skip the days altogether, I would be fine with that.

I can’t, though. I’ll get through it, working hard not let images of those days linger. Praying for anyone else doing the same.